Birds (aka Government Surveillance Drones)

The Theory
Birds Aren't Real is a conspiracy movement that claims that while birds once existed, they have now been completely or almost completely eradicated by the government and replaced by bird replicas that watch every move of United State citizens.

The History
In 1947 when the evil threat of communism was looming on every American’s mind, the CIA decided there was a definite need to monitor each person in the United States. However, implanting a ton of stationary cameras basically everywhere is pretty inefficient. Indeed, a camera that could move from above would be much more productive. Furthermore, rich people were tired of birds pooping on their nice belongings (namely, cars). Thus, in the 1950s, the CIA decided to “kill two birds with one stone” and wipe out birds, thus eliminating nasty waste on cars, and implementing moving cameras into new robot birds, which eliminates the fear of communists taking over the country.

Operation Water the Country
To begin, birds were killed in a secret mission called “Operation Water the Country.” The plan of Operation Water the Country (OWtC) was to send planes out all over the country that released a harmful chemical 8,000 feet above the ground that, when it hit birds, would cause them to decay rapidly. The chemicals never harmed any people because it somehow dissolved before ever reaching the ground. OWtC Pilots never publicly came out about the plan because they were under the pretense that they were, in fact, watering the country’s grass.


The sitting president, John F. Kennedy, at the time of OWtC had no idea about this atrocity until he tapped a CIA agent’s phone, but only to learn if the agent had stolen his lunch. Kennedy learned that while the agent had indeed stolen his lunch, two agents were gloating to each other about the fact that no one, not even the president, had caught onto their monstrous plan. With this knowledge, Kennedy called an urgent meeting with the two agents to express that although he was impressed by the secrecy of this operation, he ordered it to be stopped immediately. One month later, Kennedy was assassinated. Every president since Kennedy to this day has ignored the operation.

The New Birds
With real birds out of the way, the CIA needed to create fake spy birds, so they found an area with high amounts of Bauxite ore, as this would be used as the main material in the creation of this bird, and they put people in place to mine the Bauxite ore. They found ore in North Vietnam and stationed there under the guise of “protecting the world from communism.”
Next, they shipped the ore back to the states. The last thing they needed to do was find people to create mass amounts of fake birds. They knew that no one would do that without it leaking to the general public. Therefore, the CIA agents disguised themselves as people who would go to night clubs and bars and then went to night clubs and bars. They then found people who looked like they could assemble a fake bird and recruited them by giving them a tab of acid (it’s the seventies, of course they took acid from strangers) which was actually just a piece of paper. Then the people were bussed out to the factories and forced to assemble the fake birds. This is obviously the only conclusion to how the government would get people to create fake birds without them remembering it.

With all of the evidence presented by the Birds Aren’t Real theorists, it is a wonder how anyone can truly believe in birds. At least squirrels are safe.
For now.


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